I was born in 1992. My parents were loving, but I remember spending more time with my teenage babysitter, Jackie. Put these two facts together, and it should be easy to assume that a fair amount of my childhood weekends were filled with trips to Blockbuster and visits from Pizza Hut. I welcomed the greasy, sinful heart failure delivered in the form of a PZone and sat happily watching films like 10 Things I Hate About You and She’s All That.
It's no wonder I turned out gay.
Kids of my generation should share my bitterness with the movie industry. How were we supposed to know that high school parties aren’t really like the one that we saw in Can’t Hardly Wait? Was it too much to ask if we could share the hallways with the pseudo-intellectuals from Clueless? Why couldn’t we all have fallen in love with our neighbors/classmates like those definitely-not-eighteen-year-olds from Whatever it Takes or Drive Me Crazy? There isn’t a way to show how sad it makes me to say that there are no answers to these questions. We were lied to.
I like to think of myself as an adaptable person. You could compare me to a chameleon, if you’d like. As a matter of fact, do that. Why not just think of a non-athletic 18-year-old’s body and swap the human head with a chameleon’s head. There. That’s me. “He’s an adaptable freak,” you may say, but that would not be the case for my experience with high school. The main problem is that my adaptability is conflicted by the occasional surprise visit from stubbornness. So now this chameleon-headed freak is pitted against a menstrual donkey. I wanted to “Macarena,” but was told to “Crank Dat.” I was expecting "Genie In a Bottle," but was given "Disturbia." The donkey stomped Chameleon Boy into a pulp. I was heartbroken, and I couldn’t adapt through the despair. I was anticipating what had been hammered into my head by those asshole producers, but was unfortunately given what a new batch of asshole producers had to offer: Channing Tatum and Ke$ha. Woe is me.
It seems sort of weird to declare this my 'End of Summer' playlist when it is not even August quite yet. However, the next two weeks will be consumed with studying, good-byes, packing, and moving that I am not sure I will find anything else to add. Besides, the majority of these songs were my favorites over the past three months. Also, CD already burned. So there... and here:
1. When Your Love is Safe - Active Child
I feel sort of lame for having three Active Child songs on a MIXED CD, but Pat Grossi has the voice of an angel. Also, these songs are all really great. 'When Your Love is Safe' is from his Curtis Lane EP, and possibly my favorite of track off that record.
2. Playing House - Active Child
This is easily my favorite track released by Grossi. Like, ever. It is unfortunate for tracks 3 - 20 on my playlist because when I hear it sometimes I set it to repeat.
3. Hanging On - Active Child
A single from You Are All I See, 'Hanging On' is what it is. (Hint: beautiful.) I just want to listen to it and count how many times he hits some awesome falsetto that makes me want to cry. Side note: I'm, like, a million ounces of emotional. Some music just does this to me.
4. Lose It - Austra
I cannot say I am giant fan of this music video, but I can honestly say this woman's voice is out of control. This track made the cut because A. I like to sing along and pretend I sing well and B. the title represents how I feel 98% of the time. Or, maybe always.
5. Paranoia in B-flat Major - Avett Brothers
I just need a minute to squeal like a little girl. BRB. K. I just bought tickets to see this babes at the Riverside Theater this November, and I am still giddy/high on this purchase. I usually try to include at least one of their tracks on any Spring and/or Summer playlist because they make me want sunshine, barn dancing, and more sunshine. Listen and enjoy.
6. Hinnom, TX - Bon Iver
Okay so everybody and their mom has been telling me 'Holocene' is the best track off of Bon Iver's self-titled album, but I disagree. I disagree so hard, in fact, that it has yet to make it onto any playlist because I am just still too intoxicated by 'Hinnom, TX'. It is just like the perfect song, in my not-so-humble opinion. I will listen all season, all times of day, always, forever, always. Can't stop.
7. Too Much Soul - Chiddy Bang
So, like most people, I have a weakness. Actually I have multiple weaknesses so let's just put them out there now - rap music (usually Drake and/or Nicki Minaj, see #9), cats, and Harry Potter. In the case of my #7 track, it is rap. This song just makes me feel powerful and energized. I cannot explain it, but it happens. Like, magic - Imperius Cursed by music. (HP!~!!).
8. Go Outside - the Cults
Not even talking about this one. Just listen to it. You need it in your life... er'yday.
9. Dreams Money Can Buy - Drake
God, Drake could make a legitimate cartoon for preschoolers and I would be the #1 fan of it. Canadian SWAG. I am not even sure I am allowed to use the word 'swag' but I did it~!!~! This track is not going to be on his highly anticipated studio album Take Care but it is still fantastic. And, if anything, it makes me really anxious to see what he has up his sleeve. Also note, "don't fuck with me, don't fuck with me". Okay, I won't. (wink!!1!1!)
10. Winds of Change - Fitz & the Tantrums
This is my least favorite track on my playlist (if I am allowed to have one of those). I like the song, but the band itself I am bittersweet on. Definitely one of those groups where I think all their songs sound the same and all their music has been 'done before'. Is that pretentious because I totally didn't mean for it to be?! IT IS WHAT IT IS, I GUESS.
11. Montezuma - Fleet Foxes
Things I love about Fleet Foxes: all of their tracks, beards times a thousand, sweet/kind vocals, the feeling of autumn and/or winter when I listen to them, and these goddamn lyrics. Note how I said a million years ago in this post that I am emotional... well, this song for sure. See:
Oh how could I dream of such a selfless and true love?/Could I wash my hands of just looking out for me?/Oh man what I used to be/Oh man oh my oh me.
Too close to home, Fleet Foxes. In a good way.
12. Pumped Up Kicks - Foster the People
Just listen to this and get on everyone else's level. It is basically like HIPSTERSUMMER2011 anthem. Where have you been?
13. Before the Bridge - Future Islands
Uh, if we are Facebook friends, you may have noticed I posted this video and/or lyrics from the song about four times already. This band, in general, holds a really intense spot in my heart. I hate to say it but it is related to my ex. While there were a lot of sour feelings toward him for, uh, a long time... I am not a resentful or angry person. Friendship is friendship and this song along with all of Future Island's others remind me of the one I had with him. This track was released as a single, but their upcoming album On the Water will be released October 11.
14. Eyes Wide (Fool's Gold Remix) - Local Natives
Remixes are usually good. See: most/any rap or hip-hop song ever such as Ignition by R. Kelly. This one is excellent because it has been my dancing-in-my-underwear-don't-you-judge-me-cats dance jam for the past couple of months. I downloaded it from RCRDLBL, and you should maybe do the same.
15. Hello - Martin Solveig & Dragonette
Underwear dance jam #2! I am not really familiar with the artists behind the song, but the song just came into my life. Just makes me so dancey. You'll appreciate. Also: video includes tennis. Who hates tennis? Not I.
16. I L U (Phantogram Remix) - School of Seven Bells
I picked this gem up over at RCRDLBL too. I really love both School of Seven Bells and Phantogram. I started listening to both artists Fall of last year, so this song just gives me a double dose of excitement about this coming autumn. Also, vocals are super beautiful always and forever.
17. Canada - Themselves ft. WHY?
Remember when I listed off my weaknesses? Well, I forgot one. It might be the most important one even... so now I just feel like an a$$h0l3! WHY?/Yoni Wolf/anything having to do with any of these pronouns make me more happy than anything or anyone ever. I love WHY? (Not a question, but just the band name. I real-life love.) This song, however, recently came into my life because I am a terrible fan, I guess. It gives me the same feeling 'Well Water Black' by Alias ft. Yoni Wolf did just two years ago. Awesome, perfect, makes me want to drive around in my grandma Honda Accord.
18. My Country - tUnE-yArDs
Two tUnE-yArDs songs because Merrill is a goddess. A weird, probably autistic, genius goddess. If you cannot jam to a song about AMERICA then you are not allowed to jam to anything ever. ILY, AMERICA y Merrill.
19. Gangsta - tUnE-yArDs
Off their latest album, W H O K I L L, this track has to be my favorite. Right after the awesome track about AMERICA (!~!!!11!) is over on this playlist, I know to immediately turn up the volume because I am not sure (read: know for sure) this isn't a song meant to be heard on low volume. SIDE NOTE: someone go to this concert with me!
20. Murmurer - WHY?
I feel like my want/desire to win one of WHY?'s golden tickets is something I could write an entire post on. Actually: note to self, do that. This song is dedicated to Cooper Conley-Currier. Luckiest of all bastards. I spent a regrettable amount of time actually researching this guy, and he made some strange movie about his break-up with his hot ex-girlfriend. I refuse to feel bad for him though because WHY? made a song about his life/OkCupid profile/weird break-up video.
Hopefully one of these songs, videos, or descriptions motivated you to download some new tracks. I suggest all of them, but what do I know really?
"At least his father hadn't lived his life by aversion, hadn't moved always away from what he didn't want, the old hybridizer not afraid to go toward things, to hope for things, to dream of things. At least his father's life had been pulled by sunlight, relieved by rain, urged by roots and leaves. Each daffodil, each tulip, every pane of glass in the greenhouse such a matter of life or death to the old hybridizer. At least his father cared about things and kept caring about them, the man caring so much that he didn't care if anyone else cared, which seemed to make people care, students and tourists and garden societies from the valley practically swooning their way up the hill to the greenhouses and gardens and gift shop, that jangle of bells on the door always ringing. At least the old man and his wife hadn't spent their days just hoping to feel, hadn't kept wishing their lives would just begin, hadn't wasted their nights just yearning to yearn for something."
"The Architect of Flowers Stories" The Architect of Flowers Stories
William Lychack
I feel a great amount of pressure to be witty and have something important to write about in this blog because let's be honest, no one wants to be the boring one of the three. The one that people just skim over and say 'yeah that girl, all she writes about boys and love and mushy stuff'. Well see here my fair weathered friends, I will talk about boys and love and mushy stuff and I know that at least Molly Streicher will read it. Of course, I will write about other things but really nothing of substance. Since my life is obviously a philosophical rollercoaster, I will not be touching on any of that shiiit. Anyways enough about me, lets get to it!
First topic: Look over there! It's a six year old without a soul!
This is really all that is going on in my life recently: feeding, bathing, dressing and playing with a six year old little girl. Don't get me wrong, she's cute, funny and let's me dress her like my own personal doll every morning, but there's something strange about this situation. Her last nanny was an old bag that didn't do anything but feed and dress her, which after awhile I feel like she started to create this prejudice against nannys across the world. Well, then nanny Kaley came in and meant business. I don't know if anyone ever really plays with this kid or what but by the third week she was calling me 'momma'. This is where it get's a little too much.
I'm thinking that when that first 'momma' was blurted out at the check-out line in Sendiks was when it happened. And by 'it', I mean the odd bond that was formed between nanny and child. I didn't appreciate her calling me 'momma' because by no means do I want a child, or a six year old for that matter, but I felt like she saw me as that mother figure in her life and for that I felt closer to her and awkward all at the same time. From that day on she called me 'momma' at least once everyday. The day it became too much was when she said it in front of her actual mother. Talk about awkward. But she kept on and even though I scold her every time she calls me 'momma', she still does it and giggles. This is where she goes soul-less.
"Miss Kaley, when you leave, I don't think I'm going to miss you" -- Stab to the heart.
With two semesters of classes and a semester of student teaching left to complete, post-grad life has progressed more frequently into my thoughts. I am the type of person who has a plan. Always. As much as living in the moment seems like a more relaxing and enjoyable way to be, there is just too much at risk to live like that, especially at such an important part of my life. Within the next year and a half I will be a certified educator, which is like, you know, a huge fucking deal. This is going to make me be a real adult - the kind that wakes up five days a week at an hour I cannot believe exists unless intoxicated from the prior night and works a full day. Lather, rinse, repeat for forever/until retirement.
While the big stuff everyone seems to be nervous about (i.e. 'finding a job/career' or 'the end of an era') is actually really frightening, the lifestyle immediately after graduation worries me too. This past May I had a large number of friends and some aquaintances graduate with degrees in a whole bunch of things - mostly graphic design. Some of them are going to graduate school, but a lot of them are not venturing down that lane quite yet. Watching these people think about their future/have intense panic attacks that usually revolve around the question 'HOLY FUCK, NOW WHAT?!' has been a rough but also rewarding experience. Rewarding because I have taken their experiences into consideration as I put together a list of things I do not want to happen in my post-grad life.
1. This one may be obvious if you read everything up until now, but not having a plan is not an option. If I am walking Winter 2012, I will know what step #2 is by Fall 2012. Even if my plan ends up being substitute teaching and working at Starbucks after graduation, I will have a plan. Over the past summer a number of friends have had no idea where they were going to graduate school, working, or even living. I am not sure how you get to a place of that much chaos, but I refuse to be there. (My actual guess is 'living in the moment' gets you there. Suckas!)
2. I will not stay in my college town. Madison is really a great place to live for school, but I cannot see myself living here forever. Four years is definitely going to be enough, but remaining for any longer than that would be a mistake. I've noticed those who stay past graduation find jobs rather than careers, but more importantly, they just seem like ghosts. Totally out of their element. When I go out with my friends sometimes I will see a 30-something year old sitting at a table of middle 20-something year olds. It really bums me out because while I know there is a chance this person was offered a great opportunity here, I also feel there is equally as much of a chance that this person just could not let go. I mean, I get it. I even sort of went through it. But, chances are that it really is time to explore life elsewhere.
3. I will not get mixed up in guy-related drama. OMGOD. If I were to rank all of these things this would be number one on the list. Without ever meaning to this crap always seems to sneak up. I understand that sometimes it is just really unavoidable, but Jesus... I really refuse it. I am definitely too sensitive, tired, and uninterested. In fact, new plan of things to do post-grad: find my inner lesbian. It is in there somewhere. Hunt begins now.
4. I will not turn into a hipster to pass the time. I don't know if I need to really explain this any further. It is a serious problem though, and I am not interested in it applying to my life.
You know, I am really certain there are a lot of other things I do not want to happy post-grad (i.e. off the top of my head, get run over by a Madison metro bus (too soon?)) but I think this is a pretty stable list for now. It basically prevents me from getting sucked into the past and into drama, which are two things I want to avoid the most. Also, the more I think about it... the bus thing is something I really want to avoid too.
